Sunday, July 15, 2012

My brain just won't shut up.

Last month I decided to contact my bio dad. It sounds so weird typing it out. My friend found him on Facebook so after much debate I messaged him. And waited. And waited. For what seemed like forever but was only a week. Then I sent another message. Longer, more sarcastic and more me. The first was just a "hey I'm you're daughter and I'm really into genealogy" type thing. By the time I wrote the second one I was like ok wtf it's been a week. So I was a little peeved and that just lets my writing flow and not be all... Formal? Stuffy? What's the word I'm looking for? Anyway it was more me and less ok does this sound ok? I think it sounds ok. Does it sound stupid? Cuz face it I do that a lot when I message people. On here I don't care. Words just flow. So I sent message two and waited. And waited. And kinda gave up. Not completely. I was thinking of what else to do. I hate phone calls. So that was out. My brain kept coming up with scenarios though. Like if I did call. And pretend to be a genealogist working for a client or something. Or what if the messages didn't go through. What if ou can only send one to a friend? Then again why would they have the button there. Then something happened on Thursday night. Or Friday morning, whichever you like. I had a reply. Of course I didn't find this out during normal times. Of course not. I get up for a drink in the middle of the night and check my phone and there it is. Think I did a triple take. Then I freaked out. And texted my bestie at 2:30 am. and none of my peeps were online to consult. I obviously couldn't sleep so I had to read it. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe I do. Maybe I was just automatically expecting rejection. Maybe that's why my brain was giving the "pretend your a genealogist working for a client and call" scenario. But it was ok. Whatever I was expecting, this was better. I don't think I can accurately describe it but... I'm relieved and excited and happy. Yet still awkward and nervous and freaked out. He said I was brave. Ok if you consider typing a message for an hour, doubting yourself a million times, debating on whether or not to actually push the send button, and freaking out for at least an hour after sending the damn thing. I guess it was brave since I was flipping terrified. He said he' thought about me. And he's up for questioning. And communication. Which sent my brain into a whole new spiral of not shutting up. And there's all sorts of emotional... Stuff flying around in there too. And I can't really categorize the emotions which is so frustrating. Apparently technology didn't want to cooperate. That's why he didn't see the message earlier. He mentioned that in the second part. And I guess I made him laugh which is good. I really have to get used to this. I have a mild heart attack every time I see a message or something. Oh yeah, cuz he's on twitter. And I can't flip out on Twitter. So I have to flip out here. But I have a link to my blog on twitter. I'm taking the chance that he won't click it when I'm done writing. Or at least not let me know he looked at it. Dear lord I'm a bundle of nerves again. Ok. I can do this. I don't even know if this post made any sense.

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