Tuesday, December 11, 2012


*note* Part of this post might be fueled by female hormonal stuff that involved hatred of all men.

I've said before that I'm not angry at my dad for not being there. Mostly I'm not. But deep down there's this little person inside that likes to remind me of the little things that I usually do not dwell on. She is a angry and jealous little person. And she's itching to get out this morning. I don't know if writing will help me feel better or if it will make my day worse. Its rather early and I should be getting ready for work.

When I was younger I had some feelings of anger towards him. Rightly so. Towards the end of the year there was usually a school project that involved Father's day. I had to do the stupid little craft. Had no one to give it to. Kids occasionally asked and I had to explain I don't have a dad. They would say well you have to have one and I would say well I don't. Then all of the kids had both parents at their sports games. I had my mom and grandparents. And that was fine. But he should've been there..

He should've been at my art shows. My graduations. Sports games. Should've been there while I was getting ready for Homecoming and Prom. He should've been there when I was sick. Should've been there on birthdays and Christmases. He should've been there. He should've had to deal with little kid temper tantrums and teenage drama. He should've been there when I was growing up. He wasn't. I didn't have the chance to be the cliche "daddy's girl".

I know he regrets not being there. As he should. I was fine with that.

Last night I was... not facebook stalking... How about we call it research. Yes. Research. I was just going through some of his pictures and saw him and a woman standing outside of a baseball... whats it called... stadium? (See I would have all this technical crap down if he was there to teach it to me) Anyway I looked at it and just instantly felt... probably closer to annoyance and jealousy than anger. I mean, why is he there with that woman? I dunno who she is. Could be a friend. Cousin. Girlfriend. Whatever. My thought is why is he there with her. It should be my mom and I. He should've taken ME to games. I don't like sports that much  but if he was around I might.

When we met for the first time and we were talking he mentioned (briefly) about going to some game of his (ex) girlfriend's kid. Ok so he dated someone with a kid... but didn't want to deal with me? I felt that stab immediately but hid it. I doubt he realizes that stuck with me.

The other day I was in Hallmark looking for Christmas cards. I got one for mom and grandparents... Then I looked at the "dad" and "grandma" section. I couldn't find anything that worked for me. They all said something to the effect "you've always been there for me" "wonderful dad" "when I was little". None of the cards applied to my situation. I had to get generalized cards for these people because they were never there until now.

I have similar feelings, perhaps on a smaller scale, towards his parents. His father is gone but his mother isn't. I had one set of grandparents. I should've had two.

I am thrilled that we're building a relationship after all of these years. Excited that we're going to FaceTime on Christmas morning.That he has plane tickets and he and my mom won't tell me so it will be a surprise. But I can't help feeling like this. It's normal I guess. I haven't talked to anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Clearly I have to figure out all of these feelings. That's just a taste of what I'm dealing with and thinking about this morning. I know I'll have to deal with it eventually. Both of us will. I also know nothing will change the past. You can't go back. What good would it even be to bring all of this up?

This is where I'm stopping for today. Must get ready for work. I know this isn't very organized but it's how my mind is flowing at the moment.

Until next time.

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